Quiet Time Unrest

Being a pretty self aware guy, I have bells which go off that I listen to that tell me when reflection is necessary. Right now they are ringing and the tone is telling me that I’m feeling down because I’m not busy. Being so engrossed in the writing of this book has kept me busy seven days a week, ten hours a day, mixed with playing with the kids and maintaining a marriage. I’ve barely had time for “Deadliest Catch,” thank God for Tivo.

As my activity in book stuff has lessened, I’ve had a little more quiet time to actually decide what to do with myself, and to be honest, I strangely feel fairly uninspired and a little down. That’s that bell, and I have been wondering what it’s trying to tell me. My thoughts wander to, “Is it that I feel guilty about less time with my family?” or “have I forgotten how to have fun?” or “is it the whole human being over human doing thing?” As I sit here writing this, I think it is a combination of all three, plus possibly more. What I do know is that the answer, for me, is not in the trouble shooting, it’s in the expression of those feelings here or in deep conversation with people who care. It’s the speaking or writing of them that brings me back to center. ONO is a place of peace on all levels, and for me to operate at peak levels as a dad or an entrepreneur, I must first address my mental well being. That, I know, is law for me.

As I come and go from ONO financially, as we all will, it is the pain of the missing options that has become the catalyst for more growth. As I say in the book, “when the pain is greater than the fear, people will move and grow.” This goes for me as well. I’m excited to see whats around the next corner for me. More on that later.

Grace

I’m feeling really intimidated of the whole blogging process, but like all things unfamiliar, I will figure it out. The book is in a really interesting place right now. I’m having people read it and I’m having to deal with their praises as well as their criticisms; both of which are weird. I find myself bowing my head to praise and wanting to defend criticism of the content. It is amazing how writing a book becomes an extension of oneself and how hard it is to remain objective. It reminds me of the difficulty I have separating how I feel about myself and how others feel about my children. It can become insidious for me and doesn’t allow for much grace for myself and anyone involved. I hope for objectivity and grace in this process and I know it will push me places that will create growth as all new things do. I will keep looking for the “gems” within.